A Simple Process For Creating Family Values
This post is part of a series about developing and defining core values for your family. If you want to explore this more fully and catch up on other posts in this series, you can do that here.
Defining core values is a powerful process that results in a kind of "true north" for your family. It forms a lens through which your family can make big decisions and provides a framework for dialogue. Our family defined our values just a few months ago and have just started to tap into the benefits that come with such clarity.
The process doesn't have to be complicated. In fact, if you read the headings below, it's actually a pretty simple activity. But simplicity shouldn't lead to complacency - it's important to take the process seriously. Of course you can always update your list in the future, but the more time and energy you pour into it early on, the more consistent you can be in the future.
Step One: Brainstorm your list
This is the easiest step of the process. You are simply coming up with a list of words that resonate with you. They can be abstract ideas (e.g. freedom or justice) or character traits (trustworthiness, humility, teachability). They can be words that define your heritage, culture, background, experience, etc. They can really be ANY word, as long as it carries value and weight for you and your family - it has to MEAN something for you.
At this point in the process, you aren't really looking to prune anything. Don't be afraid to list everything that comes to mind, even if you don't think it will make the final cut.
Looking for more places to generate words? Answering the following questions can bring clarity and help you see your own priorities in your life and parenting.
1) What kind of person do you want to be? What kind of person do you want your child to be? Describe the kind of person you aspire to be or that you hope your kids grow up to be.
2) What do you think makes you or your family unique? Describe the things that set your family apart from others that you know.
3) Where do you see yourself in ten years? What do you want to accomplish? Set a target in the future and find the words that describe the process to arrive at that destination.
4) How do you hope people will describe you/your family? Write your funeral eulogy or the description on your tombstone. Let your hopes for your legacy guide your list.
Step Two: Sort and organize your list
Your list is only as effective as it is clear. If you have 25 family values, you'll never be able to keep them in front of you well enough for them to be useful. So we have to trim the list to some core essentials.
But it can be difficult to narrow the focus of your list. The first step toward a more concise list is grouping ideas together into themes. Read through your list and find some repeated ideas to condense.
For example, maybe the words honesty, trustworthiness, and virtue made your list. You could potentially group those together and use the word integrity to summarize. Then you didn't have to truly eliminate any themes. As an added bonus, seeing a large group of ideas/words might indicate a critical core theme for your family!
Step Three: Prune your list
The most difficult part of defining the core values for your family is not brainstorming potential values. The most difficult part is saying no to good ideas so you can focus on the great ones!
Hopefully your list grouped well, leaving you with fewer than a dozen main ideas. If this is the case, then you just have to decide how many final ideas you are comfortable with. I would recommend no more than 10 core ideas, though I think 8 or fewer is the sweet spot.
Step Four: Revise your list (rinse and repeat)
Inevitably you’ll realize that your list was incomplete. As life circumstances change, your attitudes about your legacy and what’s important will be impacted. Don’t feel like your list is written in stone. But it’s important to thoroughly evaluate your list early because there is value in consistency as you implement and dialogue about your family values!
We started our process by brainstorming a dozen or so words/ideas/concepts that we thought mattered deeply to our family. For the sake of clarity, we eliminated a few that I definitely want to instill in my children, but weren't unique to the DNA of our family. No doubt there are dozens of incredible values we could have included, but it would have muddied the conversation and reduced our ability to drive home a few key ideas that Heather and I felt uniquely able to engage. I believe that every family will have a unique set of these. No one family's list will be the one correct list.
For us, our words fell into three broad categories. A few of the words define some general traits we wanted our children to carry (dependence and teachability). Others are core to our family and the ways our family has chosen to interact with the world (justice and worth). And the last ones are habits we wanted to prioritize to maximize our impact (intentionality, mission, and perseverance).
Hopefully this helps you develop your own list of family values that will provide a guide for dialogue and growth. If you go through this process, let me know by emailing me at josh@ordinarypen.com or by completing our contact form. I'd love to hear what you found helpful and where you landed with your list!
