Why We Stopped Doing Foster Care and Started Homeschooling

A little over a year ago, Josh and I were dreaming about our future role in foster care. Our Unicorn Princess had moved out a couple of months prior and we were wondering what our next steps might be as a family.

Our foster care philosophy has always been that it’s good and healthy for our forever kids to grow, stretch and serve; but also, that we will always make each decision with the health and wellness of our forever kids in the forefront. And at that time we had a forever child who was struggling hard, to the point he was experiencing major regression and was no longer safe in his school program.

We knew that his school team loved him and wanted the best for him, but unfortunately, also did not fully understand trauma or how best to help a child who had experienced trauma. They didn’t hear us and a lot of extra harm came from some decisions the school made.

He needed a therapeutic setting where his needs and abilities could be the constant focus, where the impact of trauma on a growing brain was known and addressed, and where his struggles were important factors for crafting his ideal education without defining or limiting him. After searching existing programs, we realized that he ultimately needed his home. He needed Mommy and Daddy to be consistently and visibly meeting all of his needs without the confusion of extra adults coming and going. He needed to know that he was enough while still experiencing a steady and intentional push toward growth. He needed people who saw the incredible person he is and helped him to his full potential.

And then Covid. As with so many people, Covid changed everything for us. Virtual versions of what already wasn’t working in school weren’t an option; by God’s grace I had the time and ability to homeschool; and we suddenly went from “leaning toward homeschool” to making it official.

It was supposed to be temporary. I always believed he and I would drive each other crazy with 24 hours a day together. And we do, of course! But it also worked. It worked really, really well. Our family experienced so much healing and so much beauty together. It took so many tiny little baby steps and a lot of hard, long days. It’s certainly not a finished process, but it was beautiful, and it was helping us heal. So we dove in a little deeper, made sure all of the kids were on board, and decided to homeschool everyone the following school year.

Homeschool is a lot. Meeting very different needs for very different children with very different styles and abilities is a challenge! Some people foster still while homeschooling and we may have considered it. But there was another factor in play.

Covid wasn’t just an outsider in our home. Covid found its way to my lungs early, way back in March 2020. And it never fully went away for me. It has impacted every part of my body. I used to be able to push through, whatever it took, because if I was awake I could always find it in me to do just a little bit more. That’s how we sustained our household through some pretty intense seasons. But that wasn’t, and still isn’t, physically possible for me anymore.

When it came time to recertify for foster care a year ago, I realized that the recertification process itself - the paperwork and the meetings - felt like too much. That was a red flag. We knew we had to slow down and think things through as a family. Foster care does not stop. It does not take breaks. It does not respect energy limits. It does not follow calendars. Foster care was, simply, more than I could physically do.

Having to accept a journey that we didn’t choose has been a process. We loved our role as a foster family. I loved my own identity as a person who gets things done. This is not the story I expected our lives to tell. But it’s the life we have, and it is still good. I believe God will redeem it - is already redeeming it - to make it beautiful.

Although our foster care role has changed, Josh and I still advocate and engage in this community that we love so much. There are SO many ways to be a powerful advocate for foster care - something for everyone! I’ll get into that more in a future post, but for now, know that we have not lost our commitment to be involved, even though we’ve had to explore what that looks like for us now.

This life that I have today - no longer a foster family, fighting pain and fatigue, homeschooling - it would be unrecognizable to me two years ago. It would be offensively different from anything we were pursuing. But life goes that way, and God is good. We are resting in his goodness and ready to see where this leads!