Family Outings

Can you imagine going into the grocery store, taking a stranger's kid by the hand, and then continuing on with your grocery shopping as if nothing had changed? It would be crazy, right? You would hope the child would have enough wisdom to fight and let the world know that something is not right - that they don't belong with you and that they need to be returned to their family.

This situation actually sounds pretty familiar for foster families.

Children often come with few or even no belongings, so foster parents often find themselves running to the store for a couple of items repeatedly in the first few days. Life keeps moving and the calendar is often already full, so kids go wherever the family was already going. We've done family events, school functions, doctor appointments, and work events with kids who barely know us from the next stranger. While adoptive families sometimes opt to have a bonding period that keeps the rest of the world at bay while the parent-child relationship grows, foster families generally aren't able to do this.

Even children who have been in a foster or adoptive home for years might experience the stranger-in-the-store feeling. Attachment difficulties are very common for kids who have experienced missing or unstable primary attachments. One of the biggest jobs for the brain of developing infants and children is to create a strong foundation for attachment. ALL children in care have experienced major disruption in their primary attachments (they've moved from one caregiver to another). Even if they were infants at the time of their move, this impacts our kids. Trauma actually impacts brain development. So even years after arriving in a home, children can still have triggers and seasons where they feel alone in a strange new home - the home of their stable caregivers.

There are so many mixed feelings for a foster/adoptive family out in public. Let me walk you through some of these feelings in an effort to help you to understand and connect better with these families.

Shame

We are NOT ashamed of our children. We are very proud of them because they have overcome SO much in their short lives, often despite intense struggles. They are actual superheroes. No, the shame is not because of our kids, but because people's judgements can be so very harsh. People can be so quick to offer the foolproof solution to the problem you've been wrestling through for days, months, or years, as if you haven't already tried absolutely everything. So quick to lecture a child for their mistakes without fully understanding the situation. Quick to assume that parents aren't adequate, aren't loving enough, aren’t attentive, or a thousand other things.

Anger

We get defensive of our babies. We get frustrated when people have unreasonable expectations of them. Sometimes, we get frustrated because WE have unreasonable expectations of them. We recognize how hard they have to work just to keep it together, and we hate seeing them shamed or criticized for behavior when they actually might be trying really hard.

Fear

We are afraid because there are so many unknowns. We cannot possibly predict every scenario before it unfolds but we're going to keep trying. Want to see someone turn from low-key to helicopter parent real fast? Ask them to parent a child who will literally run into a pit of fire without a second thought (because keep in mind, understanding cause and effect is a gift that not every person possesses). There is no taking a break when you have a child who tends to run, suddenly trigger into full-body screaming fits, attack other children, etc. This is exhausting, and being exhausted adds to our fear and frustration. And then there’s the fear of being misunderstood by people who perceive parents as a threat to their children. (False reports to CPS are a part of our lives.)

Loneliness

We don't want to miss out on social connections, but we often do. Social interactions can be a huge trigger to our children, so our kids have to be the priority as we help them learn safe ways to navigate challenging situations. We want people to ask how we are doing and how the kids are. We want to hear how others are doing. But we also may very well end up running to intervene in some crisis or other every other sentence. We know our families are beautiful and lovely and we want others to see that, too, but we struggle to find safe contexts for these connections.

Pride

We're not proud of ourselves. (Well, maybe a little, if all the kids have on shoes and pants.) But we are very proud of our children. We're proud when they work hard to grow and heal even before they know where their forever home will be. We’re proud when they do the hard work of welcoming people into their lives - so many new people, because this life takes a village for sure. We’re proud of our children who wake up each day and face enormous challenges with such great strength. We’re proud of them even when they fall apart, because they will try again. We’re proud of the times we all forgive each other; the moments we laugh and play together; the adventures we have; the mourning we do together. We might start spontaneously crying when a kid does something like take off their shoes at your doorway or eat a whole meal without throwing up. We might not be able to explain to you why. We just have to soak in those amazing growth moments no matter where or when they happen.

Calm

We have to make calm a feeling where it wouldn't exist otherwise. We are trying to be the stability our children need. When they are not yet able to regulate their own emotions, we must do the regulation for them. We're trying to keep ourselves healthy and stable, too. We do our best to breathe deeply, walk slowly, speak intentionally. We get it wrong plenty of times, but we’re trying. That might mean we're using tools that other people might not understand. Toddler leashes? Tablet in the shopping cart? Chewy toy for a big kid? If it helps, bring it on. We'll do what it takes to give all of us a chance at success.

Exhaustion

Enough said.

Gratitude

We know we aren't always easy to hang out with. We know we sometimes seem rude and disinterested. We know we are distracted and stretched thin. We love you for inviting us in and letting us and our kids have little moments of feeling loved and normal. We’re thankful when you prep your own household (the people and the stuff) to give us our best chance at connecting and succeeding. We’re thankful when you ask questions and learn the best ways to help us succeed. We know our methods and ideas and strategies change rapidly, and we don't expect you to keep up! But we love you for trying to be informed.

Love

We love our children. Whether they've been here for a day or much longer, they are ours as long as they are ours. We will fight for them and cherish them, not because it's always easy, but because we believe they are worthy. We choose love.