Don't Give the Poor Your Garbage
I'm sorry about the title of this post. I'm trying to make a point.
The Christmas and end-of-year-giving season is beautiful and one of the most exciting seasons of my work, but honestly, it's also one of the most frustrating times of the year for me. We all feel compelled to be more generous, with both our time and our resources, but too often find ways to be generous that are not actually helpful.
When the first lockdowns hit our area at the start of the COVID pandemic, many organizations had empty unused buildings and chose to use their facilities to meet immediate physicals needs for goods (food, clothing, etc). I was involved in multiple of these, helping to coordinate deliveries of donated food and supplies to local nursing homes, families in crisis, and families referred by our local social services department.
Let me just say, people give absolute trash to those they deem "less fortunate."
Don't hear me wrong. I'm not talking about all people. Many, many people are sacrificial and give the best they have to offer for others. But I was blown away at how many people would give very expired food from the back of their pantry (some as old as 10 years expired), stained clothing, and half-used toiletries.
And we expect the poor to be grateful. The entitlement we carry that "the poor" owe us thanks and gratitude when we give them things we don't want ourselves and wouldn't want for our families is shocking. To be fair, we carry that attitude all year long, we just see it a little more clearly as we stretch our giving in this season.
I don't want to squash the giving spirit, but I think we can do better. I'm definitely not perfect at this, but I'm learning, and I'd love to share some of what I've learned so far.
Here are some practical thoughts on how we might approach generosity during the holidays and throughout the year:
Give what someone actually needs or wants (and don't guess).
We donate boxes of pasta to a family that's struggling to make ends meet, not realizing that rice might be a staple and they rarely eat pasta. We give soap and shampoo, but they have sensitive skin and use only a specific brand or type of product. We donate a toy, but it's a knock-off and not the name brand that we might give our own connections.
We often forget that the poor are humans and are allowed to have preferences, desires, likes, dislikes, and favorites. We often see them as "less than" and believe that they should be happy with what we offer. It's better than nothing, right?
But we don't take this attitude with our friends or family. We would be embarrassed to give a gift that wasn't wanted. We want to make sure we get the right brand, the version that will last, the favorite food, or that very specific toy that the child has been dreaming of.
Why is that? Is there a threshold where someone has enough to be entitled to choices and preferences?
What more honoring or loving thing is there than to be noticed and heard? When we take the time to understand others, we will want to bless them in very specific ways that could only be known through connection. So whenever possible, go for connection. Don't assume or decide what others should want. Let's take the time to get to know people as human beings and honor who they are with our generosity!
Recognize that your giving can rob others of their dignity.
We have to stop patting ourselves on the back for the way we insert ourselves as saviors into the stories of others.
One of my least favorite ways of serving at Christmas is buying and delivering Christmas gifts to the children of families struggling to provide those gifts. I'm not a scrooge - I have nothing against helping families provide joy, levity, and fun at Christmas for their little ones. But the role we want to play in this communicates volumes about our ultimate goal in our generosity.
I've had folks, multiple times over the years, tell me they will not buy Christmas gifts for families unless they can deliver the gifts themselves. But I'll be honest with you, if I struggled to provide gifts for my family, it would be heartbreaking to have strangers show up and provide what I could not for my kids. Sure, I'd be thrilled that my children have gifts, but I'd feel like a failure for not choosing the gifts, not buying the gifts, and for not providing this for them. And my children would celebrate the stranger who showed up as the center of our Christmas story.
A better alternative? Ask the caregiver what they would give the child, then give that to the caregiver to give to their children. You still get that little bit of connect you want for your generosity, but the caregiver is able to give the gifts to their children and build a stronger, more resilient family unit.
An even better alternative? Set up opportunities for those caregivers to have autonomy and the ability to build real dignity and pride in their gift giving. Some communities have non-profits that host Christmas stores where families can purchase gifts at reduced prices (usually donated items with reduced sticker prices), as well as opportunities to earn credit towards those gifts. Giving to these kinds of community stores is a beautiful opportunity to know that our labor and talents could provide treasured moments of building trust, joy and connection for these families; moments where caregivers can be empowered with the satisfaction of knowing that they were able to create these special moments. (Isn't that joy of knowing our role in the special moments the best part of gift giving for grown-ups at Christmas, anyway?)
The best alternative? See the next point.
Look for opportunities for justice, not charity.
Charity and hospitality can be incredible ways to demonstrate love and affection, but they rarely lead to the ultimate good for others. Relief should only be given in moments of crisis (imminent danger, after a disaster, etc), with the majority of our efforts and resources going to address the issues that lead to those needs.
A few simple examples:
- Many communities and non-profits buy up blocks of hotel rooms so unhoused folks can spend Christmas in a hotel room. That's sweet, but folks who are looking for housing probably need fewer free occasional rooms and more advocates for accessible, stable, and quality affordable housing the rest of the year.
- Shelters and soup kitchens see spikes in volunteers and often in financial gifts during the Christmas season (as an aside, these volunteers would be very helpful the rest of the year too). And what raises the most money for these organizations? Celebrating hundreds or thousands of beds filled and meals served! But the easiest way to increase those numbers is to increase the number of folks who require these services. Instead, find ways to support organizations that are advocating for and providing long-term solutions to chronic poverty and food insecurity. Give them your money and hours! Can you imagine a world where we don't even need these temporary resources because everyone has enough?
It's not about you.
Christmas isn't about you or me and our wonderful giving hearts. It really isn't.
The goal of our generosity should be how it impacts others. Too many people give and volunteer primarily because of its benefits for them. No doubt there is good that comes for us when we serve, but if how we feel, what we receive, and how we benefit takes precedence over the impact of what we've done, we have totally done more harm than good.
We've turned "it is better to give than receive" into a self-help mantra. It's an observation, not a plan to a better you!
Not sure what generosity means for you? These are the questions I ask myself to help my heart and intent match the impact I'm trying to make:
- How would I react if someone refused my generosity?
- How would I feel if my giving/serving wasn't noticed or acknowledged?
- What would the recipient of my generosity have to do to disqualify themselves from my giving? (There might be valid reasons, but what are they?)
- Does my giving address the root issue or the symptoms?
There is so much more to say, so no doubt I’ll post additional thoughts in later entries. But these thoughts rattle around in my head every holiday season and I wanted to put them out to encourage, challenge, and inspire.
