Learning My Triggers

In our county, prospective foster parents are warned to watch for the triggers and baggage they carry with them from their past. We're told that our own trauma will surface when we are working with traumatized children.

I thought that wasn't really going to be a big deal for me. I was so wrong.

I remember making a hypothetical list of what my top triggers might be. I thought a child ripping books might be one of them. That was a reasonable guess. It was wrong.

My #1 trigger? It's #2. And by that, I mean poop. Poop and all other non-sterile bodily fluids.

There has been barf stretching alllll the way across my dining room - multiple times. There has been barf dripping down every crevice of chairs and high chairs. On plates full of food. On the carpets. On the couch. Between the leaves of the table. On children. On adults. In their hair. In mine.

And poop. Ohhhhh the poop. On walls. In carpets. Bed crevices. Blankets. Sheets. Pajamas. Faces. Fingers that have already hand-eaten entire meals. Windows. Blinds. Curtains. Shower curtains. Rugs. All the crevices on the outside of the toilet. Shoes. Bottoms of shoes. In the grass at someone else's house. In a public pool. And once, on a particularly dark day, on the windowsill of an upstairs bedroom - outside the house.

I'll let you fill in the gaps on the blood because blood makes me barf… And barf is a trigger.

Everyone gets that kids + bodily functions = gross. A lot of people say "Oh, all kids do that, it's normal." This is not the level of gross I am talking about. Every action is an attempt to convey a message or cope with a feeling. Different children in my home have had different go-to ways of expressing big feelings. Children without secure attachments tend to do "typical" things at levels far above and beyond "typical" because, after all, they are coping with experiences "typical" children have never had to deal with.

Children without secure attachments tend to do "typical" things at levels far above and beyond "typical" because, after all, they are coping with experiences "typical" children have never had to deal with.

It took me a lot longer than it should have to realize that bodily fluids are a trigger for me. I thought, "It's a reasonable thing to be upset about the mess I'm now dealing with; therefore, my response to these things is also reasonable." I didn't listen to my shaking hands, my racing heart, or my swirling thoughts. I had to add up many moments before I realized I was experiencing a trigger. Poop lands me right in the danger zone for my own self-regulation.

Triggers aren't me choosing to react big. Triggers are those moments where fear takes over and the reaction starts to lead itself along. Bodily fluids cause actual fear in me because they hit deep fears that are always under the surface: fear of losing control; fear of not being able to protect my household from getting sick or being dirty; fear that I'll lose another day to scraping gross stuff out of places it shouldn't be. My ability to make intentional choices wants to head straight out the window, out there on that ledge where the poop used to be. It takes everything in me to hold it together and actually CHOOSE my actions in response to these situations.

Your trigger might not be poop. I feel like I can handle some pretty intense stuff with a *fairly* level head. Urine? I take that like a champ. After all, pee is sterile. I don't love kneeling in it, but I’m not afraid of it!

Most likely, there is something out there that will send you right over the edge. Maybe you haven't had a chance to identify your triggers yet. Maybe they haven't even developed. Leave your filter on. Does something consistently send you more over the edge than all the other things? That might be a trigger for you.

It's okay to acknowledge that you have triggers. It might help you to learn more about yourself. It might even help you identify with your children. It might help you understand the world around you, where lots and lots of people are responding to trigger moments every day. Rather than just teaching your children how to cope with the anxiety produced by triggers, you can model coping strategies for them! There's beauty in being able to honestly dialogue with them about something you are both experiencing.

But do be careful! Letting kiddos know your biggest, shiniest button can definitely lead to pushing of said button. Like more poop.